Recently, I have been evaluating my relationship with food and exactly what it means to me. For most of my life, I’ve had a very unhealthy relationship with food. It was a coping mechanism. I would eat to celebrate something, eat when I’m bored, eat when I’m actually hungry (and even when I’m not), eat when I’m sad and so on. I used food for every aspect of my life. Which resulted in me being very large at a young age.
As I continue to take a deep dive into why I got to the size that I was, I began to realize it’s because of the relationship that I had with food. It was like a toxic relationship with a boyfriend and It affected my mental and physical health.
I was talking to a friend about things we were passionate about, and they referred to food. My first thought went to disgust. I immediately started to think “that’s why everyone is fat today”, which is not always true. I had to quickly remind myself that everyone doesn’t have the same relationship with food that I do/did.
I am terrified when it comes to what I put in my body. I never want to be where I was before. I know how much hard work it takes to get just a little bit of weight off and I’m not willing to risk it. Even if you have surgical help, it’s still hard. The more I think about it, I start to realize that how I see myself and what I put in my body has become my whole entire life. For me, everything revolves around how I look, what I eat and when/if I get to work out. I must admit, its stressful and I’m not sure if its healthy or not. Its even gotten to the point, that if you come into my house, you won’t find chips, sodas, sugar, oil, or even meat. If I’m having company I may ask them what snacks they like or I may just tell them to bring their own snacks. I buy what I eat and that is it. There isn’t much variety or selection. With my friends, I make the joke that I eat to live and that is definitely reflected in my kitchen.
I’ve went from one extreme to the other. I do believe that this may have something to do with self-control but then again, I’m not a professional and I’m not sure.
I just want you all to be mindful of the relationship you have with food. It’s just like any other relationship you have in your life. Is it something that consumes you and you’re constantly thinking about? Or is it something that you don’t really ever think about? Do you include food in almost every aspect in your life? If so, is it healthy food or a bunch of crap?
Personally, I’m trying to learn to go with the flow (if you ask my parents, that is something that I’m not good at). I’m trying to eat healthy over all, but still be okay with relaxing when it comes to food. Working out when I can, but if I miss a day don’t beat myself up about it. It sounds simple, but its been something that I’ve been struggling with. I’m also working on being okay with progress as it comes. Instead of being so hard on myself when I don’t see the progress that I expected. Lately, I think I’ve been losing inches and body fat, which isn’t directly reflected on my scale at home. I’ve been too afraid to measure myself, so I have nothing to base it off of (childish, I know). But when I look in the mirror on some days, I feel like I look smaller.
I’m also working on not comparing myself to others. My Mom and Sisters tell me this all the time but I’m constantly comparing my progress (or lack there of) and how I look to other women, which isn’t healthy.
I know I’ve been a bit scatter brained but I’m attempting to understand the mental toll that my weight loss journey has taken on me. Its something that originally, I had not thought about until this week when I gave special attention to how I talked to myself, the comments I made about myself, and my actions. I started getting in the bed at 4:30-5pm and laying there until I went to sleep. I would work out in the mornings so that’s how I validated my behavior but I don’t think that is healthy either.
I’m still learning that everything is a process and you have to accept where you are now in order to move to the next step. It’s okay to be frustrated or disappointed but don’t let it fester. It’s okay to talk to people about how you’re feeling because you need to get those thoughts out of your head as fast as possible. I’m not at my goal, but I’m doing what I can to eventually get there.